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How to forgive people who don’t regret it

Sometimes sorry really seems like the hardest word. It has to be, otherwise why would that friend / partner / colleague / random asshole on the street refuse to acknowledge that they did something wrong?

However, clinging to people’s mistakes will only hurt you. Chances are that a person who hurts you in any way might feel one of several ways:

  • They feel real remorse for what they did, but they personally take pride in the fact that they couldn’t risk dodging or feeling that their act was justified.
  • They don’t give shit.

Either way, what adds to your life if you refuse to forgive them? You don̵

7;t have to welcome them back into your life with open arms. These resentments will affect the way you think and the way you connect with others.

And you might be someone who will have to apologize for their actions in the future if negative emotions shape you.

We can fight with someone we love. A friend could deeply hurt our feelings. Maybe we are being neglected by a relative. All of these things hurt, of course. But no one has to cause long-term harm if we use the power of forgiveness.

We found some techniques that could help you forgive someone, especially someone who never says they are sorry.

Before we give you tips about forgiveness, we need to look at what forgiveness actually is. And for a concept that is behind many types of religious thinking, there is also a lot of science behind its benefits.

First of all, there is more than one type of forgiveness. A 2019 study divides forgiveness into crucial and emotional forgiveness.Lichtenfeld S, et al. (2019). The Influence of Critical and Emotional Forgiveness on Attributions. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6603330/

Here is the main difference:

  • Forgiveness of decisions. Involves making an active decision to replace negative behaviors with positive ones toward the person who wronged you. For example, you might want to re-share memes with her. You can still annoy them. But you’re trying to get past it.
  • Emotional forgiveness. The real replacement of negative feelings towards the person with positive ones like love and empathy.

The study concluded that decision forgiveness or easy go through the physical movements of forgiveness, isn’t enough to have cognitive advantage – it’s really about that emotional forgiveness.

How easy is emotional forgiveness? It’s not that we can just turn off trauma and transgressions against us. A 2019 study of forgiveness after a spouse cheated found that those who were previously in a stronger relationship were more likely to experience emotional forgiveness.Chi P et al. (2019). Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Mediators of Forgiveness After Marital Infidelity: A Stressful and Coping Perspective. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31347701/

Letting go completely is difficult. But it’s definitely worth it, and here’s why.

In 2012, researchers found that conditional forgiveness – not loving everyone indiscriminately, but forgiving people with the expectation that they would be sorry and learned not to repeat their behavior – could actually reduce your risk of death.Toussaint TL et al. (2012). Forgive Living: Forgiveness, Health, and Longevity. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21706213/

So if you hear that “I will withhold this from you until the day I die,” that person may indeed bring their expiration date forward.

Forgiveness is really about mastering self-control. If you can forgive someone, you could hold your own about your feelings. It’s incredibly powerful. And science agrees.Liu H et al. (2020). Self-control modulates the behavioral response to interpersonal forgiveness. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7118213/

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you say their actions are A-OK and that they or someone else can do the same without influencing you. But it’s a surefire way to improve your peace of mind and quality of life on your own terms.

Countering feelings of righteous anger with a no-prison card is super brave. However, these steps could serve as the first stage in the healing process.

1. Peace in the present

Whether you know it or not, when you hold onto resentment, you are living in the past where all hurts unfolded.

This little truth can only set you free a little. Being fully present in the “now” means that the past and future, over which you have very little control, are less relevant. This knowledge has power.

And right now, you are reading this. Nobody makes you feel bad – recent or even distant memories may pop up and devastate your mood, but you are safe this second. And this. And this.

We have gone through the seven parts of life that you can really control. Focus on these instead of worrying about the memories and theoretical scenarios that you can’t. The role of that person’s actions is getting smaller and smaller in your mind’s eye.

2. Focus on yourself from others

Instead of thinking about the person who wronged you, it might be better to take responsibility for your feelings and focus on she. When we allow someone to upset us, we grant them tremendous power over our well-being.

Try to sit with your emotions without judging them. Center yourself and say, “Yes, I am angry / disappointed / confused … but I can choose feel a little better. I can feel / think about something else / focus on something else. “

Your actions are less important than your sanity. The good news is your thoughts are there Your Jurisdiction. They are yours what you want.

3. Take responsibility for your feelings

Self-help author Wayne Dyer said, “By changing the way you perceive the power that others have over you, you are seeing a bright new world of unlimited potential for yourself. You will immediately know how to forgive and let go of anything. “

This means that we will win a superpower when we realize that we and only we determine how we feel. We lose victims when we shed judgment and guilt.

When we know how we are feeling, we can choose to feel good about ourselves. And feeling angry becomes a knowingly destructive decision.

4. Own your part

In many ups and downs of life, we can quickly pass judgment without taking personal responsibility. Let’s say your sister is always digging at you.

For an idiot, did you write her off when you first met so she just got your sarcastic, icy side? If your boss is micromanaging you right now, is it because you’ve dropped the ball over the past few months because of your breakup (and you kind of know)?

If someone else is solely responsible for your misery, you have to wait for that person to change before you can be happy. But what if you could take positive steps now? Wouldn’t that be a relief?

Yes you can. And it probably will. So, have the situation you may be – try harder to reach your sister, for example, or open a dialogue with your boss about realignment.

5. Stop looking to feel offended

It’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself about whether you are the type to go through life looking for little things to complain about.

Are you waiting for a terrible driver to berate a colleague, berate a colleague for various reasons, or have a great chance of failing so that your feelings that the world is against you will be confirmed?

When we lose our willingness to be a victim, we are essentially asserting our power. We say, “I am in control of how I will feel. And today I feel fine “There is nothing more powerful than that.

And feeling power over yourself and the situations that lie ahead can be central to forgiving someone, according to research from 2010.Karremans JC et al. (2010). The Power to Forgive: When the experience of power increases interpersonal forgiveness. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20693385/

6. Apply a loving lens

This enables us to be grateful for all of life’s (difficult!) Lessons.

The Dalai Lama once said: “The enemy is a very good teacher.” Treat the people and actions that have hurt you as a lesson so that you can move forward with lightning speed.

Are you upset because your SO doesn’t treat you with enough respect? What does that teach you Do you need to be less tolerant of people’s bad behavior? Be more assertive? Stop using self-punishing language in front of them?

When we see our life experiences through a loving, patient lens, we learn how to grow much faster.

Finally, ask yourself: would you rather forgive them or feel like shit?

Let’s be real for a second. If you don’t forgive, your only other option is not to forgive. When did you feel good for a long time after you hated someone? It doesn’t. And it never will.

The decision not to be quick to forgive uses up your limited daily energy and leaves you powerless and bitter. Everyone meets people who hurt them. Your choice is what to do next.

Susie Moore is the Greatist columnist and life coach based in New York City. Sign up for free weekly wellness tips on their website and check back every Tuesday to read their latest No Regrets column!

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