For most of us, our parents are our very first relationship. The way we are interested (or do not care) when we are babies and toddlers determines how we interact with the rest of the world. The way they care for us (or do not) when we grow up has no such impact, but dealing with them can still be a frustrating mix of joy and torment.
Whether your parents are just annoying Because they have no boundaries or a clinically defined personality disorder, there is good news: with some help, such as the advice of three experienced psychologists, you can change the dynamics of your relationship for the better , 1
In her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents Psychologist Lindsay Gibson, PsyD, says there are four different types of emotionally immature parents: emotional parents who give their children a sense of instability and anxiety, driven parents who try to make everyone perfect, passive parents who do not disturb too much, and reject parents who are withdrawn and mean.
When Emotionally Unruly Parents I'm thinking of the parents overpowering the child, says Fran Walfish, PsyD, a family and relationship psychotherapist in Beverly Hills and author of The Self-Aware Parent . "There are messages that parents send, that it is the child that should take care of the care, care and concern for the well-being of the parents."
A narcissistic parent behaves in one of the above ways, but if you want to adhere to the definition of DSM V, you're missing that too Empathy, the constant need for admiration, nurturing only superficial relationships with others and the feeling of generosity and entitlement.  Due to the weaker range of topics, your parents may not respect the boundaries or recognize that you are an independent adult. There may be a completely different problem you have with your parents-they are human, after all-but some of the following advice may still relate to how you can handle it.
Knowledge is Half the Battle
Psychologist Dana Dorfman, Ph.D., says that patients with romantic or professional relationship issues come to her. Only after they have discussed things, they discover their parents as the root of their problems. The good news is that this finding alone is very helpful – especially if you have support.
"I think self-esteem is the best escape door," Dorfman says. "The more aware we are, the better able we are to make conscious decisions about how we want to interact or act in relationships, and many times when we work with a professional and process the emotions, it can be very helpful because you are it You do not act from an emotional point of view, but from an intellectual place. "
This knowledge not only helps your other relationships, but it can also put off your expectations of interacting with your parents.
"Once you know what your powers are you have not been influenced by them in your life," she says. "If you do not realize that your parents are narcissistic, you will always come back to them and think that they will be sensitive or friendly or listen to you, but once you have made that realization, you are free."
Find Your Own Happiness
By being able to reflect on how your parents' emotional instability or neediness has been affected, you could also illuminate the choices you make in adulthood. Did you unintentionally choose a career that would make your mother proud, but not make you happy?
"Many children of emotionally immature parents make a great effort to become high performers to please their parents." Whale says. "Or they try to entertain the parents with song, dance, humor, athletics, gymnastics, drama … all these things."
If you are dissatisfied in your career or in another way you have chosen parents, it is not too late to change.
"Get into therapy with a supportive, warm-minded, clear specialist who can help you find your own vision, find your own voice, and pursue your own dreams," says Walfish.
Limit your difficult parents.
None of this is a green light that you can now ask your mother or father. What's probably more productive is when you consider your next revelations the next time you interact with them.
"The beauty of an adult is that you are no longer dependent or dependent on your parents," Dorfman says. "You can define the boundaries that work for you."
When a parent visits your home, Dorfman suggests that you carefully set rules for it ("In my home, I would prefer it if we did not discuss politics.") When you visit them, give yourself a set Deadline, and consider announcing it at the beginning of your time ("We have to leave for lunch at a friend's lunch!").
Ramani Durvasula, Ph. D., a licensed clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at California State University, says her patients who are children of narcissists even do so for their phone calls. She also has other guidelines for these conversations: "Do not tell them about your weaknesses because they're likely to criticize or ridicule them. Stay Neutral – The Weather, A Movie You've Seen Bait: When They Put You Into A Fight pull, say "Yes, that's right, I agree with you." This is really a problem with their minds and now they have lost their little sport. "
It also helps a few aids such as breathing exercises or to have mantras to keep you calm and calm when dealing with emotionally immature treatment parents. Dorfman says you can say this in your head when things get tough: "Your intention is not to hurt me." "That's the best she can do." "He is limited."
When money is involved
Whether we are or not, we sometimes get involved with our parents – if they are. Who gives you one? Credit for a degree or down payment or needs your help as he gets older.
"If money can be given unconditionally, then I do not think it 's problematic, but when it comes to money Englisch: emagazine.credit-suisse.com/app/art…2934 & lang = en used in some way as a control, the recipient must know exactly what implied strings are attached and what expectations exist, "says Dorfman. If the child is the one to provide financial help, "knowing one's own limits is important, and being overwhelmed will make you feel annoyed."
Receive an explicit verbal or written agreement on what is expected in return. Loans or gifts can help to avoid resentment and misunderstandings. (There are online templates to help you with that.)
Building healthy relationships with others
If you have difficult parents as parents, you can love them without necessarily liking them, and you can turn to others People to meet the emotional needs that remained unfulfilled in their childhood.
"It can be incredibly helpful to build relationships with peers or mentors or older people who can meet the specific need you have," Dorfman says.
However, she warns against burdening only one person with this responsibility. "Sometimes we have an unrealistic fantasy that a person will correct all the evils of our past lives when there are indeed different people in your life who can satisfy certain needs and who enjoy doing so, are great."
Older adults, such as parents, friends, teachers, trainers, bosses, or religious leaders of friends, can look for some of the care they believe you never had. Think about your emotional needs, telling your close friends and your partner what you've been through with your parents, and how you feel affected.
"Building trusting relationships with other people enables you to identify what your specific triggers, problems, sensitivities and vulnerabilities are," says Dorfman. "Then sometimes your partner or a close friend can even provide a kind of corrective experience."
Sabrina Rojas Weiss lives in Brooklyn, surrounded by her freelance writers and fellow campaigners. Follow her on Twitter @shalapitcher .