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Dealing with angry people



Even if you have a great home and work in a super nice business, such as the Cozy Time Tea Factory or the Tiny Puppy Pavilion, you sometimes have to deal with aggressive people. The Simpsons say it best: Some people behave badly because they have had a hard life or have been mistreated. But some of them … are just idiots.

Whether you are dealing with an overused person who is causing your anger over you, or someone who was born just a hole, you do not have to suffer because of the aggro peoples nerves in your life. I have talked to therapists and experts about the best ways to deal with aggressive people and to give tips on how to hold your mind when the minds around you are high.

Do not take it personally

"It's easy to take aggressive people and the way they behave personally, especially if you're not aggressive yourself," says Celeste Viciere, LMHC, author and presenter of Therapist Podcasts Celeste. However, Viciere explains that her actions are not the cause of her aggression. "When a person appears aggressive with you, they are often the same with everyone."

Even in the workplace, you can not let another's aggro behavior affect your self-esteem. For example, suppose you made a mistake at work. Your boss has every right to alert you and ask you not to repeat it, but he has no right to yell at you or become hostile. When your boss decides to make a screaming fit, you must do your best to break away from this aggression and remember that your anger is not about you.

If you are bullying a meaningful person in your life then it can be very hard not to take that personally. But see if you can slowly change your thinking patterns if that person becomes aggressive. If they mean something, ask yourself, Do I really think that's right? Usually the answer is no. So you can remember that you are definitely not and are not an "idiot" or whatever other insensitive words you want to use and are trying to continue your day.

This does not mean that an attack is aggressive Person can not make you crazy or sad. When someone yells at me, I usually scream the F-word in my brain a few times and cry it later. It happens. However, you do not have to treat your abuse as a true personal attack.

"If there's an incident, it's really hard not to be disturbed by what's happening ̵

1; remember your own positive qualities, strengths, and abilities," says Angel M. Hoodye of the thriving hope counseling. "The incident does not define you, the negative attitude of your supervisor does not reflect you or your abilities." This applies equally to aggression at work, at home or in a knit group. Wherever you find an aggro person, take the time to remember that their insensitive words and not are the truth.

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Do not Let Aggression Deceive Down

A Study in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that aggressive behavior tends to trickle down. Suppose a boss yells at you, which annoys you – but you can not yell at the boss, unless you want to try the unemployment line. So you hold all the trouble in your hand and knock it out to someone else. The study found that executives of aggressive bosses were more hostile to their families than employees in more comfortable workplaces.

Aggression triggers aggression. Honestly, this trickle probably explains why your boss loves to go against you: Viciere says those responsible are often exposed to a series of burdens that other employees are unaware of. Or your boss could go through something terrible in your personal life. Unfortunately, sometimes they decide to put their frustration on the next people, which means an unfortunate job for you.

This can also happen in families or groups of friends. As a kid, when I got mad at my mother, I would start with my sisters (not a step I'm proud of). When a particular friend starts acting aggressively, it is sometimes easier to pronounce this anger on someone else than to confront the person who founded the aggro chain. Well, this does not excuse anyone's overly aggressive behavior, but he knows where it comes from can help you to take their anger so personally. It's also a good reminder to control your own aggression so you do not accidentally turn the innocent around you into a jerk.

Speak Up

"An aggressive person may not realize that she's getting aggressive. But it's important that you communicate how your behavior affects you," says Viciere. "Make a meeting and tell them," If you do X, I feel like Y. "" Viciere recommends keeping your tone cool and collecting so that the aggressive person does not view your conversation as a kind of assault. Of course, use your judgment here. If you think that the aggressive person is truly good but is hurting feelings throughout the day, it may be good to try and talk to her. But if it's just abusive or heated, your little heart's heart may not be good. When dealing with an angry boss, it is sometimes not an option to address them directly. Therefore, it is best to talk about how aggressively your work affects boundaries and lets people know when they get hurt. But what are you doing at the moment ? I was definitely at the crap of some screaming sessions in which raising my hand and saying "your tone is painful to me" would not have been in my favor.

If someone cries or is obviously aggressive, try it. To avoid your emotions (for the moment) and ask questions, Hoodye says. "Use words like team us, and we ." This creates a sense of unity. " Even in the heat of the moment, Hoodye recommends asking:

  • How can we improve?
  • What would we like to have done?
  • What are your expectations?

Unfortunately you can not Ask these questions in a super smart ass, as funny and tempting as that would be. But if you really try to change the conversation so that you understand the motivations and expectations of the attacker, it will probably dispel some of the anger. It shows that you do not take things personally and want that relationship to work best. When someone just screams to scream and ask calm and focused questions, he takes the wind out of his sails.

Do not refuel the fire

I once had a very aggressive boss who always tried to get a reaction. He would be mean or rude, just to see people go crazy or scared, and I took the bait first. He would do something unheard of, I would scare myself off, and he was pleased with my reaction. Then I stopped responding. He would mean something, I would not give an emotional answer and he would go away. Soon enough, he stopped trying to get a reaction from me, and I was able to work in relative calm.

Not every aggressive person is looking for a rise, but in general, calm can work in your favor. "If the person approaches you in an aggressive way, you should not embrace the behavior, and use healthy communication skills," says Hoodye. "Speak in a calm voice, stand at a comfortable distance, smile when appropriate, and show that you listen to their worries." If you stay professional, the aggressive person can feel how unprofessional their behavior is.

To further calm the fire, Hoodye says, "Recognize her potential feelings, this helps the person to see where they are from, and then shares some of your own insights." If you stay calm, you can dissipate the situation immediately and still be heard.

On the other hand, you can stay cool as a cucumber, and the aggressive person will still go off. It's good. It is not your job to reassure her. But if you stay collected, do not add fuel to the fire. In the worst case, the screaming game ends earlier than usual.

That's hard, of course. I know that "Stay calm" is a rough and annoying thing. But it's not about never feeling angry or annoyed. It's about putting this aside for a moment to get through a difficult situation. You can become as angry as you want later on, when you know about better people and a safer scenario.

Talk and Leave

When you're dealing with an aggressive person, it's time to turn around to your friends. "When you turn to your support system, you gain wonderful insights, and by using your backup resources, you can clean up the muddy waters of negativity," says Hoodye. "You can regain your strength, solve the problems and process what you've experienced with the aggressive person, and supporting your support system can only be the thrust you need to get back in the saddle come."

When you can not go to your friends, take it outside. "If you can, take a short walk, get some fresh air, a glass of water and some sunlight," says Hoodye. Do not let another person's negative attitude question who you or your abilities are. "

I used to think the whole" walk "would be a stupid piece of advice. My skin is burning with the idea of ​​sunshine, I'm not out and I love to sit, so walking was more and more a task than a solution. But I've just started this a while ago, and it turns out that all the experts are absolutely right: when you move outside, you lose your head in a way that you can not sit at home or in the office. The combination of physical activity and a new environment gives you a better overview of your problems. Even if you're just spinning around the block, it pays to clear the air for that free moment of clarity. A study by Ohio State University has shown that fighting employees is often happier. The study found that people who defended themselves against enemy bosses were happier at work, less stressed, and more satisfied with work than people who simply took abuse. In addition, they felt that repulse was not retaliation or hurt their careers.

We're not talking about people screaming, "See you in hell!" and fire a smoke bomb every time her boss was a hole. For the study, "warding off" ignoring the bosses' comments meant pretending that they were not listening to hostile comments or half-hearted work. So you should not shout back or slander insults. However, if you "defend" yourself in this more passive way, you may feel better.

All in all, the study found that a completely anti-hostile workplace is the best option for everyone … which, of course, is safe. But if you can not do that, it may not be so bad to fight back.

You can do the same thing when dealing with an aggressive family member or friend, especially when dealing with straightforward issues. ignore rude comments. With people who are really important to you, this is much more difficult than with arbitrary officials, but the idea of ​​standing up for themselves often helps with any kind of aggressive person.

Of course, if you can get an aggressive person do it from your life. Since this is not always possible, at least some tools are available to you to prevent aggression from ruining your own mental health. Because you are not responsible for the hostile behavior of another person. Always remember: some people are just idiots.

Amber Petty is a writer, headquartered in L. A. and a regular contributor to Greatist. Follow her as she describes her weight loss journey in her new bimonthly Slim Chance column. Follow her on Instagram @ Ambernpetty.


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