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7 characters to watch out for

Some pictures are lost. Paula hears footsteps in the middle of the night. They notice gas lights that mysteriously darken without being touched. Taken individually, each of them seems to be benign. Together they do not add up. Paula's husband tells her it's all in her head. But is that it?

The term "gaslighting" comes from Ingrid Berman's film of 1944 "Gaslight" in which a husband slowly manipulates his wife to deceive her. The term became popular again in 2016, thanks to a virus released in Teen Vogue ; it was a second place for the word of the year 201

8 of the Oxford Dictionary.

Gaslight is a real phenomenon – and it has real consequences for its victims. So, what exactly is gas light? And what are the signs that you are in a relationship with someone who ignites you with the gas?

What is the gas kindle?

Lighting the gas lies and manipulates a person in a different way until it questions their sanity and begins to accept the version of another person's reality. "It's an abuse of power to dominate another person," says Dr. Patricia Pitta, a relationship therapist and author of The Solution of Modern Family Dilemmas

] Well done, you may not even notice that gas fire is happening. "It undermines a person's trust in what they are and what they believe in, and it can make them do things they do not want to do," says Certified Gottman Relationship Therapist and Master Trainer Mike McNulty, Ph D.

Sometimes psychologically stable people get infected in a certain situation – for example, to cover up a matter. But people who persist in giving gas light tend to be narcissistic (they are extremely egocentric) and sociopathic (they ignore the perspectives of others and disregard their rights). "They try to control another person to meet their own needs or desires in a manipulative or dishonest way," says McNulty.

Here are seven signs of gas light in a relationship and what to do if you think you are receiving gas light.

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Signs of gas lighting in a relationship

Some of these signs (lying, making false promises) are usually more associated with gas light than others, but several signs together suggest that it is a gas light. "Some of them are just not seen by the victim at first," McNulty says proving that it is gradually coming up over time, and putting the pieces together to make the Symptoms for seeing what they really are. "

1) They lie – and keep lying when you catch them

Is your friend or partner never wrong – as always? He or she is definitely lying because of us And lying is a key sign of gas light.

People, of course, lie for many reasons, but gas lighters lie to change someone else's reality. "Whatever they say about this he wants a person, they will lie to get it, "says Pitta.

Gas lighters usually start with little lies and then build up to bigger ones. If caught, they refuse to admit the truth, even if they have evidence such as text messages. They will deny and lie until you question your memory and ultimately believe their version of events.

"If the person who lies is so confident and unwavering, it becomes a real thought journey," says McNulty.

2) You are playing with your uncertainties.

"Everyone knows that."

"You look good … for your age." Convictions. They will consistently criticize these things and make derogatory comments in order to hurt and control you. Then you are asked to "get over it" so that you begin to believe that your perspective is not valid or important.

"These comments affect your self-esteem," says McNulty. "It gives them the upper hand over time. The person being attacked will question their worthiness and identify with the perspective of the gas fire, "says McNulty.

If the person occasionally compliments, do not be fooled. "That puts you out of the game," says Pitta.

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3) Her actions do not match her words [19659016] Although a gas lighter says they care about you, they always swear on plans and swear then that these plans did not exist at all. They tell you what you want to hear and then do what they want to do in the first place.

"If someone says that he will do something, he should be able to trust that he will," says McNulty. You should question your confidence in a person who gives you lips service – especially if it's a pattern, he adds.

4) You manipulate your relationships.

Manipulating gas lighters as you see key people in your life and telling you that your dad does not love you, your friend is talking behind your back or your sister is lying to you. They will also build relationships with some of these people and then convince them that you are crazy to manipulate them in support of the gas light process.

By convincing everyone around you that they are the only person you can trust, a gas chandelier becomes a puppet master. "When you're cut off from people you trust, you have no access to other perspectives that could help you question events," McNulty says.

5) You Question Your Reason

After using this other tactic, a gas lighter will question your version of events and tell you that you are paranoid or imagining things that make you feel crazy says McNulty.

If you constantly question your reality, you feel that something is really wrong with you. In the end, you'll think that you need the other person's perspective to get through, says Pitta.

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6) They accuse of the same behavior

Known as" projection "in the therapy language gas lighters often accuse their victims of their own behavior. [19659002] "How many partners accuse their partner of fraud because they are the one who is cheating? The person who is cheating looks at the world suspiciously because she is suspicious, "says Pitta." They are trying to wriggle out of the house. If your partner does not have good self-esteem, they buy that. "Project and play it out by actually having an affair."

7) You feel increasingly insecure

Over time, the behavior of a gas fire becomes You may think that it is all your fault, and apologize all the time, and then ask yourself if you are too sensitive, you may feel anxious and isolated, you may have your impressions, thoughts and feelings

"Taken together, this would be the effect that the behavior of gas lights would have on someone," says McNulty.

What should you do if you think someone is Illuminated with Gas?

If you think you're under pressure, McNulty recommends trusting someone you can trust. "They must be under the influence of the Ga sfeuers and let your perspective be heard and understood, "says McNulty.

It is quite possible to fall in love with someone and realize that he will ignite you with gas after one or two appointments. Let her go. If this is not the first time that you are being attracted to a gas lighter, the therapy may be fine. "How did you attract that kind of person? Do you play a submissive role, and that person smelled? People who control are looking for people to control, "says Pitta.

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Things get more complicated when connected to the gas light in a long-term relationship.

When the gas light is associated with certain circumstances, e.g. There is hope to save the relationship when the person is really sorry and ready to try the couples therapy. If the gas lighter loses and changes and you find out why the scam has taken place and tackle these issues, you can recover.

"A lot of people who have affairs never thought they would, and looking for ways to make it disappear or pretend it never happened," says McNulty.

However, if you are slowly lit by a person and you do not feel remorse, you are likely to have a serious personality disorder. You could also deal with insecurity yourself or seek a strong connection in a vulnerable time of your life.

"I would like to end the relationship," says McNulty. "Changing that personally takes time and a lot of motivation. It is much more complicated and often never happens. "

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